This post is for Alex Cavanaugh’s Insecure Writers Support Group (click the link for details on what that means and how to join. You will also find a list of bloggers signed up to the challenge that are worth checking out). Once a month we all post our thoughts, fears or words of encouragement for fellow writers.
This month’s insecurity: Fear of saying dumb things scares me to death
People who don’t know you–and me–judge us by what we say. They have no historic track record to weigh our comments, ideas, thoughts against. When they meet our words posted online–or blurted out in person–all they know of us is by those words.
So when I say something dumb, it really bothers me. Let’s define ‘dumb’ as–
- stupid, as in uneducated, like a fifth-grade understanding of the world when I’m [supposed to be] an adult
- not representative of my real thoughts
- requires more information than has been communicated to truly get meaning.
- meant to be funny but falls flat (I’ve heard the shortest distance between two people is a good laugh or a smooth trigger pull. Both are fraught with danger.)
Sure, it’s harmless if that ‘something’ is ‘oh, Jacqui must like skydiving’. I won’t stay awake at night worrying about that. But if it’s ‘Jacqui hates ***’, yeah, then I might.
I do this more than I like to admit. I pop out with an idea that sounds brilliant in the safety of my hind brain, but as it rolls off my tongue, I realize if it was any dumber it would have to be watered daily. You know the type. Age has tempered the number of times it happens, but not eradicated their occurrence. Back-pedaling when I see surprise or confusion around me helps, but doesn’t fix.
This is why I like the written word better. True, my thoughts are there for posterity, but I can edit, review, rethink, before pushing send. That helps.
How about you?
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Jacqui Murray is the author of the popular Building a Midshipman, the story of her daughter’s journey from high school to United States Naval Academy. She is webmaster for six blogs, an Amazon Vine Voice book reviewer, a columnist for Examiner.com and TeachHUB, Editorial Review Board member for Journal for Computing Teachers, Cisco guest blog, IMS tech expert, and a monthly contributor to Today’s Author. In her free time, she is the editor of a K-8 technology curriculum, K-8 keyboard curriculum, K-8 Digital Citizenship curriculum, and creator of technology training books for how to integrate technology in education. Currently, she’s editing a thriller that should be out to publishers next summer.
I also have that fear of looking stupid, and the connected fear that people don’t want to hear what I have to say. It took years to overcome that enough to put my writing in front of other people, and it’s still a lingering feeling when I send anything out. I have to keep reminding myself that we only get better when we make mistakes, and if that happens in public we’ll remember far longer than our audience will.
Absolutely, Andrew. I got rid of that fear (that people didn’t want to hear what I had to say) by not caring. I put it out there, drive 90% of my readers away (for all I know) and collect those who want to chat. I’m OK with that.
Yes, exactly!! Writers are analytical and reflective. It’s tremendously nerve wracking thinking about something you’ve said or written (over and over) doing that internal cringing thing. Ugh! It’s exhausting. I suppose enforced bravery is what’s needed to let the words go and not worry about where they venture.
And knowing that people who like your writing will keep coming back. It’s the same as being true to yourself in person, not trying to be someone else so ‘people like you’.
BTW, I love your voice on your blog.
I’ve discovered myself through writing and that is the truth I try to share. Thanks for those kind words!! I look forward to your blog every week!!! It’s a treasure of writer’s wisdom.
I much prefer the written word to talking because I don’t have to face readers head on. As well, I can sweat over the words as long as I like to get them to say what I want. In person, I am not quick on my feet and falter when I speak because I am always afraid I have given the wrong impression and more is expected of me that I don’t have to offer.
:-)
Me too, Tess. I review everything before pushing send. I always edit. I like that.
Me too. Editing words electronically saves me from stammering and a burning face of shame.
I believe I *sound* like a spry old lady who hasn’t a care in the world and in part this is true. Age gives me assurance that I must be right–not that I am, but I must be–and I am more relaxed.
Sorry, I have twitchy fingers this morning. See, after reading your post, Jacqui, I felt you sound self-assured and have no ‘fear’ of anything. I suppose we all want to hide sometime. :-)
I think in my area, I am pretty confident, but stuff like making friends and getting along with people–yikes. I have no idea how to do that.
Sweetie, you made a friend of me without hoops or fire. :-) All you need to do is s.m.i.l.e.
I know what you mean, though. When I was younger, I was mortified arriving at a party alone even when I knew almost everyone. I still find everything easier in the blogosphere. The sound of my own voice makes me twitch sometimes because it shows I’m nervous. It’s easier to hide behind the laptop screen and let my fingers do the talking. :-D.
I also prefer the chance to think about and write out a response to something that will have an audience. It’s too easy to forget things when speaking aloud. I think the key too, is not reacting as if we say something dumb when we say it. If we just keep going and act like what we said made sense, we might be able to get away with it!
–December IWSG host
That’s true. I’ve tried to do that, especially as I get older, but I fear my shocked face gives it away!
This is why I love being a writer; the ability to edit. I really wish I had that ability with everything I say – I’m terrible at actually saying what I’m thinking. It usually comes out garbled.
You and me both, Laura!
Jacqui,
First, thanks for visiting my blog today!
I also wanted to say that showing a “fifth grade understanding of the world” doesn’t make you “stupid,” not at all. It might mean that you could have the insights and ideas of a young person that can be filtered into a good middle grade novel. Perhaps you can look at it from that perspective. =)
You’re right, Cynthia. I kind of stuttered when I wrote ‘fifth grade’. ‘Immature’ might have been a better choice.
Um, Jacqui, didn’t you write that you weren’t going to write for a week or so, the better to enjoy your daughter’s visit home? So what’s this? A virtual slip up? Oh, girl, you do not know how to vacation.
And you’ve heard so many slip ups from me, you and I should be sliding across the floor without benefit of wheels. I wake every morning and remind myself to say less than the day before, only to find as I lay myself down on my pillow that I am full of regret over the words that came out wrong, in haste, in flat out dumb stupidity. Will you accept this as an apology for whatever I’ve said that shouldn’t have been uttered?
At least I can bury the awful things I occasionally write. Smart spade.
Well, #IWSG occurs the first Wednesday of every month, whether I’m on vacation or not. You should join! It’s a fun group.
I used to be an insecure writer, but then just returned to being myself.
I like that. Knowledge slays insecurity, doesn’t it? Or age. Maybe it’s age.
I simply got tired of trying to please everybody all of the time – can’t be done.
Unless it’s a dumb blog comment. I can be snarky sometimes and I worry someone will be offended rather than amused.
Yeah–so true when you can’t evaluate a comment on body language. I love humor, but it doesn’t always work online.
Thanks for letting me camp out in your blog for a little while today. I had a great time and tried to leave my campsite as good as when I arrived. I’ll be back!
That was fun, Russel. What a pleasure to get to know you.
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I am thoroughly enjoying your site and learning so much from your post and even from some of the comments.
Thanks, Andy! I’m impressed with your backstory. I’m looking forward to having grandchildren.
Thank you Jacqui. I have collected stories all my life and my, for the most part is about my life. My book is a compilation of stories I have save over the years an made into one fictitious one. Now if I can just find a publisher or agent, hummm?
Are you expecting a grandchild soon? I just had my third, She is a beautiful little girl named Mackenzie Addison K. We baby sit her every day while the parents work and I have fallen in love. She is 2 months old.
Hey, Andy, I wanted to comment on a few of your posts (that chocolate pie story is amazing. I can see you doing that), but comments are closed. How long do you leave comments open before you close them?
Enjoyed reading this the second time, at least as much as the first.
How was last week–getting all set for school? Call me! I’m being lazy all day.
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